The Meaning of Marriage and Sexual Difference: FAQs
1. What is marriage?
2. Why does it matter that humanity is male and female?
3. Why does a person’s sex matter for marriage?
4. What is complementarity?
5. Why does the Catholic Church care about civil marriage?
6. Should a Catholic attend a same-sex “wedding”?
1. What is marriage?
Marriage is a lifelong, faithful partnership between a man and a woman. It is ordered toward (made for) the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of children (see Catechism of the Catholic Church [CCC], no. 1601). The bond of marriage is indissoluble – it lasts “until death do us part.” Love itself is “to will the good of another” (CCC, no. 1766). At the heart of married love is the total gift of self that husband and wife freely offer to each other, becoming “one flesh” and being open to children, “who are a living reflection of their love” (Familiaris Consortio, no. 14).
Marriage in the Church (between a baptized man and a baptized woman) has been raised to a Sacrament by Jesus Christ. By this sacrament, Jesus gives to spouses the grace they need to love each other. Their relationship is “caught up into divine love” and “governed and enriched by Christ’s redeeming power and the saving activity of the Church” (Gaudium et Spes, no. 48).
2. Why does it matter that humanity is male and female?
Being male or female affects a person at every level of his or her existence: genetically, biologically, emotionally, psychologically, and socially. Sexual difference makes it possible for two human persons to fully unite. The personal union between husband and wife that is at the heart of marriage is only possible because men and women are different. St. John Paul II wrote of this difference noting that, “God created man and woman in such a way that through their bodies it would be self-evident to them that they are called to love, called to give themselves to one another” (Theology of the Body [TOB], Jan 16, 1980). Sexual difference is a dynamic in all our relationships, as sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, fathers and mothers, and so on.
It is important to distinguish sexual difference and differences between individual men and women. Cultural stereotypes about the sexes, while they may have some basis in fact, do not define sexual difference. In the Church, we honor saints who do not embody cultural stereotypes. St. Joan of Arc is one example. A man who is sensitive and artistic is no less a man, and a woman who is competitive on the sports field is no less a woman.
3. Why does a person’s sex matter for marriage?
One’s sex matters for marriage because the body matters for love, and especially, spousal love. A person’s body is a necessary part of identity, even though who we are cannot be reduced to “just” our bodies. As St. John Paul II said, the body reveals the person. It is a deeply personal reality, not just a biological fact (see TOB, 14 Nov, 1979). Loving as a human person means loving as a man or as a woman. Our bodies direct us toward the other sex because we can never be the other sex. Only a man and a woman can truly unite and become “one flesh.”
To consider the body (and one’s sex) as unimportant to marriage means treating the body as inconsequential or, at best, as an object or tool to be used according to one’s pleasure or desire. Instead, we know that the body is an essential – and beautiful – aspect of being human and loving as a human person. The spousal love between husband and wife calls for a free, full, faithful, and fruitful gift of self to each other, including the gift of their bodies. Sexual difference is necessary for such a full self-gift.
4. What is complementarity?
“Complementarity” refers to the unique – and fruitful – relationship between men and women. To “complement” something is to add to or perfect, like a harmony in a song, or to make complete in a way, like the key ingredients necessary for a dish (or like the tones and rhythm necessary for music). Men and women are “made for each other” and complement each other in many ways. (Check out our podcast episode on this topic.)
Both men and women are created in the image of God. We are equally His children in our human dignity and supernatural calling. But equality does not mean “sameness”: a man is not a woman, and a woman is not a man. Instead, “male and female are distinct bodily ways of being human, of being open to God and to one another” (USCCB, Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan, p. 10). Neither are “incomplete” in themselves, they are whole persons – but they complement each other and bring different gifts to a relationship. This can be at a universal level (only a man can be a father) or at a more individual level (a particular woman may be very good at calculus).
In marriage, the complementarity of husband and wife is expressed clearly in the act of conjugal love, having children, and fathering and mothering – actions that call for the collaboration and unique gifts of husband and wife. In fact, both are necessary for marriage; only a man and a woman, through their distinctive otherness that is ordered to each other, can join in a spousal union.
5. Why does the Catholic Church care about civil marriage?
The Catholic Church cares about the truth of marriage, even in civil law, because marriage is a fundamental good that is foundational to society. Following the example of Jesus, the Church cares about the whole person, and about all people. The introduction into civil law of a false understanding of marriage and human sexuality brings about confusion and hurt to real people. Today, people already suffer because of family breakdown – divorce, growing up without a father, domestic violence, and so on. Marriage has public significance and public consequences because it unites children in the law to their mother and father. The redefinition of marriage to include two men or two women is a redefinition of the human person, disregarding what it means to be a man or a woman. Redefining marriage has led to widespread confusion about the rights of men and women in the public square. This is a basic injustice to men, women, and children. Marriage is truly one of the most important social justice issues of our time.
6. Should a Catholic attend a same-sex “wedding”?
For a Catholic who is invited to a same-sex “wedding,” it is important to consider what marriage is and what his or her attendance at such an event would mean. Since marriage is the union of a husband and a wife – that is, as a man and a woman – attending a same-sex “wedding” may be considered support for something that is incompatible with this truth. Especially when it involves close family or friends, it can be a difficult decision. In such circumstances, it is good to seek the advice of your pastor or spiritual director. It is also good to remember that there are many ways of showing love to a person with same-sex attraction without attending such a ceremony.